I guess SOUTH PARK was right again...

Mel Gibson is about to become a very lonely man out here. A mentor of mine used to say (jokingly) that it wasn't a real Hollywood meeting if there wasn't a Jew in the room. He was being a smartass, but it's no secret that there are a lot of hardworking Jewish folk toiling in Hollywood. I'm guessing they won't turn handsprings over..."The report says Gibson then launched into a barrage of anti-Semitic statements: "F*****g Jews... The Jews are responsible for all the wars in the world.'" Gibson then asked the deputy, "Are you a Jew?"'"

But, I'd like to turn your attention to a part of this story not getting a lot of coverage. If you're Mel, you're thinking that's because Jews are also responsible for all media coverage in the world...

"A law enforcement source says Gibson then noticed another female sergeant and yelled, "What do you think you're looking at, sugar tits?""

Ah, "Sugar Tits." My favorite cereal as a child. You wouldn't believe the free toys inside!

Seriously, I guess this is the sort of brittle bon mot that made Mel irresistible to women down through the years...I remember when he once called Goldie Hawn "my little tw*t on a wire"...Or, when he quipped to Julia Roberts, "I have a conspiracy theory -- to drill your vag'."

Anyway, I'll leave it at that. I have a meeting tomorrow to prepare for, and I hope there's a Jew in the room -- or at least some sugar tits...

You want the war to end?

Send these guys to Lebanon!

Hey, Iran? The Baron will use The Claw...And that is all you need to know!

A foolish, racist dance...

Not the sausage -- the guy on the right...

Quien es mas macho?

It's rare that the simple addition of one sausage could make something seem both more phallic and more racist at the same time.

God love my hometown...

Poindexter's comedy stylings...

I'm sticking with the "science" motif with today's biting satire and rich comedic broth...

"Newfound Blob is Biggest Thing in the Universe"

Ker Than
Staff Writer
SPACE.com Thu Jul 27, 2:45 PM ET

"An enormous amoeba-like structure 200 million light-years wide and made up of galaxies and large bubbles of gas is the largest known object in the universe, scientists say."

...

And, I thought my brother in law and his large bubbles of gas were the largest objects in the universe!



"Scientist: Inject Sulfur into Air to Battle Global Warming"

Sara Goudarzi
LiveScience Staff Writer
LiveScience.com Thu Jul 27, 2:00 PM ET

"One way to curb global warming is to purposely shoot sulfur into the atmosphere, a scientists suggested today."

...

My brother in law can probably help with that. He's always blowing sulphur into the air!



"A Brief History of Human Sex"

Heather Whipps
Special to LiveScience
LiveScience.com Thu Jul 27, 1:00 PM ET

"Birds do it, bees do it, humans since the dawn of time have done it. But just how much has the act really changed through the millennia and even in past decades? Are humans doing it more? Are we doing it better? Sort of, say scientists. But it's how people fess up to the truth about their sex lives that has changed the most over the years."

...

Well, my brother in law is...Um...I, uh...Doesn't really work here. So...



"Fart." I guess...

Getting enough fiber(s)?

Part of me thinks this is bullocks.

Another park of me is asking, "What f'ing lab did this crawl out of?" Like flesh-eating bacteria, I doubt something like this is suddenly naturally occurring...

A third part of me already claimed the movie rights to this shit...

And, finally, the last part of me wants to know if you got any chips...? Nacho Cheese, whatever...

...

CDC considers Texas for Morgellons study

Web Posted: 07/25/2006 12:50 AM CDT

Deborah Knapp
KENS 5 Eyewitness News

The Centers for Disease Control and Prevention is launching a study of Morgellons disease that may target South Texas where more than 100 people are suffering from the illness.

Cindy Casey suffers from Morgellons. Symptoms of the disease include lesions that leave scars, the sensation of bugs crawling under the skin, and fibers that pop out of the skin.

"Mostly black and white. Some of them were blue, and some of them were red. The whole area gets really sore and you feel some sort of crawling sensation around the lesion," Casey said.

Like others, Casey was diagnosed with delusional parasitosis — delusions of parasites. Most doctors do not recognize Morgellons as a disease.

However, one medical school is taking Morgellons very seriously. Most of the research on Morgellons is being done at Oklahoma State University in Tulsa. Doctors and scientists at OSU said this disease is real, and it's frightening.

"I am 100 percent convinced that Morgellons is a real disease pathology," said Dr. Randy Wymore, an assistant professor of pharmacology and physiology at OSU.

Wymore has spent the past year studying hundreds of fibers from Morgellons patients.

"The samples do look very similar to one another," he said.

Wymore added that the fibers don't look like anything found in textiles. He has also determined that the fibers are not rubbing off from clothing, because doctors at OSU have found the fibers inside the body.

"We were able to observe fibers under completely unbroken skin," he said.

Dr. Rhonda Casey has examined more than 30 Morgellons patients.

"There's no question in my mind that it's a real disease," she said.

Dr. Casey has extracted fibers from under the skin, and examined them under a microscope.

"If it were not for the fibers, the patients would all be taken seriously. So I think even though the fibers may be a key to helping us diagnose this disease, they have also been a hinderance to it even being accepted as a real disease in the past," she said.

Even thought the lesions and fibers are the most visible symptoms, doctors said the more damaging effects of this disease are the nerve and neurological damage, which affects the ability to think and move.

"Trouble concentrating, trouble communicating, and problems thinking of the words you want to say, and how you want to express yourself," patient Cindy Casey said.

However, it is the symptoms that sound like science fiction that make this disease like no other.

"I pulled some fibers out, and I was just taking a look at it, and the fibers just started to move around, kind of around each other," Cindy Casey said. "And I screamed to Charles (my husband), 'Charles, come here and look, because everyone's been telling me I'm crazy. Charles, look at this,' and he looked at it, and yeah, he saw it too."

"This one I didn't want to believe," Charles Casey said.

Incidents like that are just one more bizarre part to this puzzling disease that seems to be spreading.

"There is the slightly frightening component to it that we don't know what causes this. If more and more people are coming down with Morgellons, we need to get a handle on this," Wymore said. "Is there an environmental component that needs to be addressed? Is it contagious? These are all things that we don't know the answer to at this point."

The CDC has formed a task force to investigate Morgellons, and they are launching a study to find out where this condition is most common and who it affects. Texas is one of the states with the most cases per capita, and the epidemiology study may be conducted here.

The CDC has setup an e-mail address for people to ask questions, because of the volume of calls following the reports that aired on KENS 5 in May. That e-mail address is morgellonssyndrome@cdc.gov.

Dark and gritty...

The joys of summer in Los Angeles...116 degree heat. An out of date freeway system choked by choked out cars -- many of them rusted out wrecks abandoned by illeg...er...undocumented workers. Add an out of date electrical grid broken down by excessive demand.

Meanwhile, local politicians (who haven't invested a dime into the freeways or grid in decades) spend millions studying whether or not police "racially profile" in South Central LA.

All that adds up to my day today -- housesitting for friends in Studio City. I had to send the following e-mail...

...

1) Brown-outs continue throughout the Valley. The lights continually flicker. Sometimes appliances work, and sometimes they don't. It's that air of uncertainty that makes it so much fun. It's all candles and flashlights right now.

2) After two days of this, your freezer is a disaster. I'll empty it before you get back.

3) I unplugged the TV, the TIVO, etc., as the power surges could damage them.

4) I unplugged the phones and fax for the same reasons.

5) Sophie now has a doggie cage big enough for her doggie bed, so she goes in there when I'm out. If I'd have done that from the outset, you'd have been saved hundreds of dollars in woodwork damage.

6) I talked to my brother in law -- the heating and air conditioning specialist -- and the A/C is not working because a) There isn't enough power to the house to drive it b) The original power surge that tripped the house's main breaker probably blew the separate fuses inside the A/C unit itself up on the roof. I could replace those fuses, if only I knew where the box is.

7) I can deal with the lack of air conditioning, no TV, a dog that eats wood...But, I draw the line at a Christian rock band rehearsing over the backyard hedge. I threw a statue of the Blessed Virgin at them...

A run for the border?

The Milwaukee Brewers' "Racing Sausages" are going multicultural...and I couldn't be more excited.

You can read the whole story below, but I think this is coming from a league-wide mandate. MLB big-shots recognize the growing Hispanic demographic while watching the African American community growing more apathetic toward baseball. They see a buck. They gotta chase it. Even if it is mainly in the form of small bills collected in Home Depot parking lots...

OH, I'm sorry...Not cool. Not PC. I'm sure I can do better while guessing the possible "sausage outfit."

My non-enlightened brother in law suggested..."My guess is that the chorizo will have on a t-shirt and shorts and will carry a weed wacker."

Sad. I wish he hadn't gone there. Meanwhile, I'm leaning toward a similar outfit, but with a gas-powered leaf blower and a 'forty.' Or, maybe one large sausage being chased by an ever-growing number of baby sausages that destroy the meat-packing school system for the other sausages. Or, maybe a sausage running in the wrong direction because it couldn't read the racing rules...

Considering where I live, I could go on all day...

...

¡Hola, Chorizo!

Brewers look south of the border for new racing sausage

By DON WALKER

Posted: July 25, 2006

Hey, Hot Dog, Bratwurst, Italian and Polish sausages, guess who's coming to dinner at Miller Park? Meet the Chorizo, a zesty Mexican sausage.

What will the Chorizo look like?

The sausages, which emerged sometime in the early 1990s at old County Stadium in virtual scoreboard races, have attracted national attention and are a huge fan favorite at Miller Park.

During the 2000 season, the last at County Stadium, the sausages went from virtual to live and began to race around the stadium.

Team officials and Klement's executives were not hungry for publicity Tuesday and remained tight-lipped about the announcement, saying more would be released at the Thursday news conference at Miller Park.

"Don't bank on anything until you see it live," said Dan Lipke, Klement's senior vice president of sales and marketing. "There are a lot of ways we can go with this."

Asked if the Chorizo would be the newest Racing Sausage, Lipke said, "I'm not laying claim that's what you will find."

The newest sausage mascot is expected to be adorned with a mustache and a sombrero and will sport the traditional colors of green, white and red.

At the game Saturday between the Brewers and the Cincinnati Reds, the Brewers will celebrate the first Cerveceros Day as a tribute to Hispanic baseball. Players will wear uniforms with the word Cerveceros, or Brewers, on their jerseys.

No. 1, Bratwurst

Outfit: Green Austro-Bavarian lederhosen

No. 2, Polish Sausage

Outfit: Dark shades and a blue and red rugby shirt.

#3, Italian Sausage

Outfit: Chef's outfit

#4, Hotdog

Outfit: Baseball uniform.

#5, Chorizo, Mexican sausage

Outfit: ?

Try Netflix?

Here's yet another instance that proves scientists have never seen a sci-fi or horror film in their lives...

...

LONDON (Reuters) - A paralyzed man using a new brain sensor has been able to move a computer cursor, open e-mail and control a robotic device simply by thinking about doing it, a team of scientists said on Wednesday.

They believe the BrainGate sensor, which involves implanting electrodes in the brain, could offer new hope to people paralyzed by injuries or illnesses.

Damn you, Judge...

A judge ruled Friday that a 16-year-old boy fighting to use alternative treatment for his cancer must report to a hospital by Tuesday and accept treatment that doctors deem necessary, the family's attorney said.

The judge also found Starchild Abraham Cherrix's parents were neglectful for allowing him to pursue alternative treatment of a sugar-free, organic diet and herbal supplements supervised by a clinic in Mexico, lawyer John Stepanovich said.

Jay and Rose Cherrix of Chincoteague on Virginia's Eastern Shore must continue to share custody of their son with the Accomack County Department of Social Services, as the judge had previously ordered, Stepanovich said.

...

How DARE this arrogant fool in a robe use his authority to interfere with the natural order!

No, I don't mean parents' natural right to raise and treat their children as they see fit...I mean the wonderful, Darwinian system that eliminates bloodless hippie turnips like "Starchild" (f'ing STARCHILD?!) from our gene pool. We have a perfect opportunity to throw another log on the dead hippie pile, and we're going to insist he gets treatment?

When will this judicial activism end?

Piece in the Middle East...

Don't worry, folks. I know you're worried about World War III. I know you're terrified by the thought of unlimited war in the Middle East. No need. We're all safe thanks to this guy...

Movies in a theater...

I got this message from a friend of mine...

...

The other night Val and I were watching TV and saw a commercial for Little Man. At the time, I told her to stop the balloting, since this would undoubtedly be the worst, dumbest movie of the entire summer."

Well, Hollywood seems intent on proving me wrong with the release of Snakes on a Plane. This movie brings to mind several important questions:

1. Is a brain no longer required as a prerequisite for a movie executive position at New Line Cinema?
2. Are 2nd graders now in charge of naming movies (and, for that matter, new cars)?
3. Why couldn't Samuel L. Jackson simply be content with his already horrid reputation?

I have no answer for how the Wayans continue to get funding. However, it appears as if the premise for SOAP could be one of two rationales:

1. The airlines are being overrun with mice, and thusly have installed killer snakes to eat the mice; or
2. It is part of Bush's War Against Terror. After all, what terrorist in his/her right mind would want to board a plane knowing there could possibly be killer snakes lurking?

Have a nice snake-free summer.

...

I hate to bum these folks out, but SNAKES ON A PLANE *will* have a huge opening and will make money. Period. Why?

All this "Hollywood Insider" can tell you about SOAP ("Snakes on a Plane") is that it is the ultimate "high concept" idea. I can almost guarantee you that this movie sold as a pitch or concept without a script yet written. A high concept movie is anything in which you can summarize the entire film completely, quickly and succinctly. Everyone can imagine the poster and the trailer immediately. Easy to sell tix. Easy to market. Easy to merchandise.

$$$.

So, the one-line pitch was, "Snakes on a Plane." The story? "Snakes on a Plane." The title? "Snakes on a Plane."

Another example? Think "40 Year Old Virgin."

As silly as this might all seem, I guarantee this movie will have a huge opening -- coming out #1 on its first weekend and probably making back its entire production cost within a week.

That may not be good. This may not be right. But, it's the truth.

Thanks, psycho...No, really...

Is this guy a racist? No. Is he a clown? Yeah. To threaten somebody over a football game is ridiculous -- as is praying to win one. But, Tyrone Willingham WAS a lazy, incompetent fraud who hid behind cries of racism to mask how out of his depth he was. Bottom line, he didn't have his shit together. Just like the guy in the grocery line who can't get his Club Card to work. Just like the woman on the airplane who's never flown before and calls the stewardess every time she needs a reading light.

Could we hire this guy to scare the crap out of every incompetenet disaster anywhere? I mean, someone takes three hours ordering a vegan meal in the McDonald's drive-thru, this guy could call and threaten him. Somebody comes to a complete stop to make a right turn on a green light, this fella kills her dog.

Just a thought...

...

Thursday, July 6, 2006 · Last updated 10:57 a.m. PT

Man who threatened former Notre Dame coach pleads guilty

THE ASSOCIATED PRESS

SOUTH BEND, Ind. -- A Florida man has pleaded guilty to a misdemeanor charge of leaving a threatening telephone message for then-Notre Dame football coach Tyrone Willingham, saying he was drunk when he did it.

Andrew French, 26, of Fort Myers, Fla., pleaded guilty Wednesday in exchange for the government dismissing a felony charge against him for the November 2003 message left on Willingham's voice mail while he was still coach at Notre Dame.

French said in court that he was drunk and under peer pressure when he made the call. French said he did not use good judgment and said "terrible things" during the 4 a.m. call, including using racially charged terms about Willingham, now the coach at Washington, and threatening to burn a cross in the coach's yard.

French admitted to a charge of interfering with Willingham's ability to enjoy his employment because of threats of harm related to his race or color.

Hail Lord Xenu...

This only confirms my theory that, while Hollywood is quick to pat itself on the back for its tolerance and openness, they're really bugged by the Scientologists. They're afraid to say so for fear that their boss might be in the cult, but they take a poke at them now and again whenever they can...

...

LOS ANGELES (July 6, 2006) -- One of the Emmy nominees for best animated program is the episode of "South Park" that's said to have angered Tom Cruise and Isaac Hayes.

The episode called "Trapped in the Closet" implies that Cruise is gay and makes fun of Scientology.

Cruise's fellow Scientologist Isaac Hayes reportedly quit because he was upset with the episode. And when it came time to rerun it, Cruise allegedly called Comedy Central and demanded that it be pulled. It was, even though Cruise's people denied he asked for it.

High concept...

I just finished a spec script -- a courtroom thriller -- that unfortunately seems to have the same title of some obscure comic book. So, I've had to come up with new high-concept Hollywood titles for a repackaging of my next literary masterpiece...I put down my ideas and put a call out to other folks to contribute (for no money or royalties, thank you very much...)


My ideas...

Jury Doody

De(ath)liberations

Rigor Mortis in the Court

A Jury of One's Corpses

I Call this Trial to Murder

Trial by Stabwounds

Not Guilty...of Love

Crazy F*ck Kills Everybody

Only Hot Girls Survive

Hickory Dickory Death

Woo-Hoo Wintergreen Tic-Tac Murder


...From my sister...

"I object...to death"

"Life OverRuled" (aka "Death Sustained")

"The Big Name Actress Survives"

"The Big Name Actor is the Killer"

"Please call your next Death"

"If Death Pleases the Court"

"Marshmallow Farm 3: The Awakening"



...From my buddy Dan...

"I Object...Time to Kick Ass"

"Overruled & Overkill"

"Ex post facto fiction"

"Extra Ordinary Accessory after the fact"

"Rape: The Musical"

"Adjourned...to HELL!!!"


If you'd like to join in, write down send your ideas to your MAMA!

Why does the U.S. dismiss the World Cup?

How good can a game be if France is good at it?

Pan-fried, blackened Cajun Panic...

The New Orleans mayor and Louisiana governor battled in a supreme war of idiocy in how badly they handled Katrina. So, now, they'll be calling out the National Guard for every problem they themselves should handle with local resources...

...

>National Guard ordered to New Orleans

>By CAIN BURDEAU, Associated Press Writer 1 hour, 1 minute ago

>NEW ORLEANS - Acting at the mayor's request, Gov. Kathleen Blanco said Monday she would send National Guard troops and state police to patrol the streets of New Orleans after a bloody weekend in which six people were killed.

...

Isn't this what they have POLICE for down there? No, OK...Call the National Guard.

If an overweight tourist bares her flapjacks on Bourbon Street, they'll be there.

If Mayor Nagin drops his Beignet, they'll be there.

If a college kid on spring break vomits the wrong shade of green, they'll be there.

If a jazz trumpter farts off-key, they'll be there.

So, New Orleans can rest safely. Unless there's another hurricane. Than it's f'd.

You got off "light"...

Or without "lights," as the case may be...

>Enron Corp. founder Kenneth Lay, who was convicted of helping perpetuate one of the most sprawling business frauds in U.S. >history, died Wednesday of a heart attack in Colorado. He was 64.

Wow. Talk about a rolling blackout...

Where have you gone, Joe Winkle's Ass...?

Not since the retirement of Stu Pendousdork has baseball mourned a retirement so much...


>Winkelsas quits

>Ending one of the feel-good stories of the 2006 season, reliever Joe Winkelsas announced his retirement from baseball >Monday night before Class AAA Nashville's game against Round Rock.

Moron...

>Hawking says humans close to finding answers to origin of universe
>Jun 15 8:15 AM US/Eastern
>Acclaimed British physicist Stephen Hawking has said that humanity is finally getting close to understanding the origin of the universe.
>Speaking at a lecture in Hong Kong, Hawking said that despite some theoretical advances in the past years, there are still mysteries as to how the universe began.
>"Despite having had some great successes, not everything is solved. We do not yet have good theoretical understanding of the observation of the expansion of the universe," he told an audience of 2,500 at the Hong Kong University of Science and Technology Thursday.

...

What is this idiot talking about? I mean, c'mon! To go on and on about this made-up crap? What a doof...

(What? Smartest guy on the pla...Really? No shit? Damn. So he knows about...? Hm. OK...)

Well, I've been advised to give this guy some credit. OK. Perhaps it would be a good idea for me to take a moment and give this guy some credit for standing up and...

(Huh? What chair? Oh, c'mon! You're kidding! Speaks through a...? You mean like the voices on my Apple? Well, how am I supposed to know? Oh, screw it then...)