Get it? Energy company? Shocked? Huh?

Enron Founder Lay 'Shocked' at Conviction

...

Really, Ken? You were shocked? Really? O.J. getting off was a shock. The 69 Mets were a shock. The Northridge Quake was a shock. You going down was as much of a shock as the Brad/Jennifer Break-Up...As size 11.5 hat Barry Bonds testing positive for juice...As the freakin' sun coming up this morning...

I hope they toss you into the general population so you can get a few plugs stuck in your socket. Wouldn't THAT be a shock? How about a "shock" for every retiree who's bankrupt because you wanted new leather seats on your yacht? In fact, here's hoping Big Tyrone on Cell Block B gives you a little rolling blackout of your own...

(Subtle, huh?)

She had Jello today...

"Madonna has defended a controversial mock crucifixion in her stage show, saying it is part of an appeal to the audience to donate to Aids charities."

"I don't think Jesus would be mad at me and the message I'm trying to send," she told the New York Daily News.

...

This just in from Madonna's nurse as she was cleaning out the once and future pop diva's drool cup...

"Yes, Madonna. Yes, you're still controversial, dear. No, the Germans aren't coming, Madonna. Yes...You're still relevant. Of course you are. Here -- let me refasten your diaper. There you go...What? Oh, yes. Everyone still cares about what you say. They can't wait to...No, that's not Hitler, Madonna. That's Mr. Adams -- the lunch orderly. Yes...What, honey? No. No, they don't think you're starting to look like an anemic male gymnast in your leotard. Of course, they don't. And, yes -- you can spend some time with Susan Sarandon in the garden this afternoon..."

Monkey News...

Major news breaks in the field of medical research. A significant step forward in the battle to find a cure for AIDS. And this is the headline we get...?

"Chimp poop reveals AIDS' origins: researchers"

'Chimp poop?' Not "Monkey Drops Friends off at the Pool; Gives World AIDS"? Or, 'Mr. Bubbles' Boom-Booms Offer Insight into Deadly Plague"?

How about 'John Resorts to Bathroom Humor in Two Consecutive Blogs?'

Now pitching, Bob Boogerbutt...

I know this blog seeks out and destroys pretentiousness wherever it's found...But, there are times when a little more decency might help. For example, can you imagine the cruelty this guy experienced as a child? I call for the end to any and all childish mocking of human beings with unfortunate last names...

"The Brewers bought the contract of right-hander Joe Winkelsas from Class AA Huntsville to replace Lehr. Winkelsas has four saves and a 1.72 ERA in 13 games this season."

They say it's pronounced "Winkle-Sass." Bullocks. It's Winkle's Ass. Winkles. Ass. Who are we kidding? A stone's throw from "Wiggles Ass." Might as well be Joe Buttocksface or Joseph Poopypants...Though the Brewer media guide would say that's pronounced "Poo-Pyp-Ants"...

The of Milwaukee Code

Special thanks to a friend and a sister who probably don't want their names used freely on the Internet...But, add my voice to the growing legion who's so sick of the DA VINCI CODE that I'd be willing to eat the Mona Lisa raw if it would this nonsense go away...

Why? The religious offensiveness of the film has been kicked around more than Denise Richards at Couple's Counseling... That's my attempt at a blue Fryar's Club Roast joke... I'll keep working on it... Anyway, it obvious that it's wrong to say anything negative about Islam -- a "peaceful religion" embroiled in war across every continent except Antarctica (but those SUNY penguins are still a pain in the ass...) But, Christianity (and especially Catholics) are fair game. Why? Probably because it's a majority religion in the U.S. And, as we know, in a PC world, the majority is always bad, and the minority always good. Muslims can see some badly drawn, unfunny comics in a Dutch newspaper with a circulation smaller than (insert another dirty friar's joke here -- probably about a penis), and those Muslims riot and KILL around the globe. That's valuable free speech. Christians are left to shrug off the DA VINCI CODE and accept the accusation that their religion is a global fraud because, if they protest, they're close-minded fundamentalists.

OK... Enough of that... What pisses me off more about this insipid, badly written and clumsily reasoned book -- and the lugubrious, mind-numbing movie -- is that a lot of dimwitted readers around the world will only understand or remember Leonardo as that guy who "hid clues and stuff in his paintings and whatever." Nevermind that he was a superhuman artist, philosopher, engineer, inventor, scientist, etc. He hid "X marks the global fraud" on a sketch of his bathroom in Florence.

AND, if you ever needed proof of how God-awful dumb modern society is, DA VINCI was not Leonardo's G-D last name, for chimp's sake. It was from whence he came. In other words, he was Leonardo FROM VINCI or OF VINCI! It was a nice neighborhood in suburban renaissance Italy. Gated community and such. If we still used this nomenclature system, I would be John of Milwaukee -- or it would be Bart of Springfield, Madonna of Crazy or Oprah of Kitchen. So, translated, this idiotic book (and its tired Art Bell conspiracy theory) is the OF VINCI CODE. I'm left to ponder if it's money-soaked author even realizes that...

As usual, my impassioned bleatings will amount to naught as movie sequels are already en route. Of course, Dan of Money has to write another crap book eventually, but he'll be content to count his sacrilegious cash for a while... While hopes that Catholics and their ilk don't start burning down their Friday Fish Frys in protest...

Stupidity -- and M&Ms...

"Nagin wins re-election in New Orleans"


So, the guy who fled the flowing flood...the mayor who got up before the mike while under a microscope and unpacked the sugary racist morsel "...a chocolate New Orleans" won another term as mayor.

In other "good idea" news...

"Hollywood to Remake 'Waterworld'"

"New Coke Set for Comeback"

"Captain Hazelwood Reappointed Tanker Captain"

"Chamberlain Reelected British PM"

"Germans Decide 'Nazi Party Not So Bad, Really"

"Clinton Appointed Supervisor of Woman's Prison"

If you can name any other potential "great ideas," scribble them down on a sticky note and cram it.

Meanwhile, New Orleans? You knew one good storm would wash you out to sea, and the jazz band played on...So, I guess you've got the mayor you deserve.

Back to it...

I'll begin blogging here again this week. There's plenty of nonsese, cheesiness, pretentious and self-important blather for all o us to unveil -- so, we'll get busy...