Friday, June 30, 2006

Are you ronesome tonight...

Why can't we ever get a cool leader like this in our country? The kind of guy who's not afraid to be head of state while also embracing the true leader of the world, The King, baby...This Japanese guy basically took a Friday off from running his country with a big, "Hey, what the fuck! Let's Glaceland!"

"Paldon me, if I'm sentimar when you say goodby..."

...

http://www.usatoday.com/news/washington/2006-06-30-leaders-graceland_x.htm?csp=34

Thursday, June 29, 2006

Can you smell me now?

>For many of us, encountering a long-forgotten smell can bring the memories flooding back.

>Soon there could be no need to leave the enjoyment of such pleasant experiences to chance.

>Inventors are on the verge of creating the first mobile 'smellophone', a gadget which can capture an odor and then replay it back later, just as camcorders do with images.

...

If my brother in law ever gets a hold one of these, all of Verizon is going to need a very big air freshener...Or, a Beano headset or something...

Brace yourself for comedy!

>STOCKTON, Calif. - Former "Saturday Night Live" cast member Rob Schneider was taken to a Northern California hospital after collapsing from food poisoning and heat exhaustion during the filming of an upcoming movie.

...

Maybe he actually sat through one of his movies!

HA! See?! Now that's cutting edge blog comedy RIGHT THERE! Enjoy!

Call my henchmen...

The would-be supervillain in me is unpacking the jumpsuits and looking for a secret lair as we speak...


>Troops Home Fast
>Wednesday, June 28th, 2006
>Dear Friends,

>GSFP and Code Pink are sponsoring a hunger strike for peace which begins July 04, called Troops Home Fast Some of us like Dick Gregory and Diane Wilson will be fasting until the troops come home from Iraq, and some, like me, will be fasting for a specified time. My fast will begin on 7/04 and end on the last day of Camp Casey: 09/02.

>We are announcing the fast from Washington, DC on 07/04 and having our last supper on 07/03 in Lafayette Park.

>If you can join us in DC on the 3rd and 4th, or fast in solidarity with us on that day, or any other time, please let me know.

>Also, Jodie Evans is throwing me a birthday party at Bus Boys and poets on the 3rd of July from 9pm to 11pm....our last food will be before midnight that day....please come to my party, if you can!!!

>Love and peace soon,
>Cindy


So, if you despise the pretentious and the hippie all around us, and I hope you do, eat a lot on the Fourth of July and hope that what you put away prevents Cindy from finding any vegan cuisine come September.

Code Pink? "Camp Casey," my f*cking ass...

Tomorrow's news today...

Today's headline...

"Kazakhstan puts its first satellite into space"


Tomorrow's headline...

"Kazakhstan takes first flaming hunk of failed space junk right up its ass"

Wednesday, June 28, 2006

Woodstock Country Club...

No. I said no. There are times in every human being's life when they must say no. I stand now and say it to the heavens. I need not shout it, but...

Oh, screw this...Look -- bottom line -- there are few headlines that would frighten me more than this...

...

>Dean: 'We're About to Enter the '60s Again'
>By Randy Hall
>CNSNews.com Staff Writer/Editor
>June 28, 2006

>(CNSNews.com) - America is about to revisit one of the most turbulent decades in its history, Democratic National Committee Chairman Howard Dean told a religious conference in Washington, D.C., on Tuesday. "We're about to enter the '60s again," Dean said, but he was not referring to the Vietnam War or racial tensions...

...

I will not allow this to happen. If I have to build an underground lair beneath a dormant volcano and surround myself with jump-suited troops and a gigantic gelding henchman, I WILL prevent this. The 1960s gave us hippies, and they continue to be a disgraceful embarrassment to the human race. Endlessly self-indulgent. Deliberately ignorant. And just freakishly annoying to anyone except themselves. They are slowly, gloriously dying off around us, and we cannot allow them to regain a threshold on our DNA pile.

It's got nothing to do with politics. OK -- on this occasion, it was the head of the DNC threatening hippie resurrection. But, I don't care if it's Rush Limbaugh or Wilt Chamberlain...You threaten a 60s resurgence, and I'm sending the henchmen.

So, the 1960s must not, cannot, and will not return. The decade only gave us three entities of value...The Civil Rights Bill, The Brit Invasion and...me. Those treasures are safely squared away in our cultural pantry. So, the decade need not return until, say, 2060.

Meanwhile, you hippies can put on your hemp sweaters and your Birky sandals...You can hop in your Priuses...Priux...Priui? Whatever...And, stuff yourself with Ben and Jerry's while the adults slowly and steadily run the world...

Monday, June 19, 2006

Hilarity on hold...

I'm traveling...Leave me alone for a day or two. I'll be a smartass again later this week...

Monday, June 12, 2006

Let silence ring...

I heard one half of the all-idiot team of Hannity & Colmes (Combs? Brushes? Curlers? No fucking clue...) on the radio today. In this case, the extremist right-wing Hannity -- who's meant to off-set the extremist left-wing Hot Rollers or whatever...

Anyway, Hannity was going on one of this ego-maniacal tirades -- pontificating, as he's prone to do -- on of all subjects...anti-depressants. Now, while Hannity's show is apt to make one need these drugs, it's clear he never had a malady requiring them. Not surprising when you consider this guy's manic ego would never allow him to question his sanity or emotional state.

Anyway, this arrogant douche bag was railing against the evils of anti-depressants, as if they're a crutch people use to avoid their problems. In other words, he was blubbering, "Use them if you have to to get over a patch, but don't rely on them."

Paging Dr. Asshole...Where did your medical degree come from, Nurse Ratchett? The Institute for Advanced Conservative Studies? Why don't you go buddy up with Tom Cruise and amuse each other with how superior you are to people who might need a medication for a biological health condition requiring the balance of brain chemicals? How silly these little people are with their "problems" and "emotions"...

So much for this compassionate conservative-ism bullocks..

Not, free...But, Tibet on sale!

If I see one more "Free Tibet" bumper sticker on a Libby's car (Liberal Hippie = Libbie), I'm going to buy five pounds of shrimp fried rice and shove it up his/her Prius tail pipe. Not only do I doubt these deluded, bandana wearing dupes could find Tibet on a map, I assume they have no idea that a "free Tibet" would only mean a religious theocracy under the Lama -- in which anyone not in the Buddhist line or anyone disagreeing with his decisions would be openly oppressed for offending the will of the divine.

Sound familair? Aren't we fighting bat-shit insane stuff like that these days? OK...Somebody make me a bumper sticker -- the ren of the Chi-Coms. "Crush and enslave Tibet..."

Saturday, June 10, 2006

Hail Corduroy!

West Bend - Two cousins were charged with a felony crime each on Friday in the desecration of Holy Hill and, according to authorities, the older of the two admitted what he did but had no regrets.

Tuesday's date was 6-6-06. In the Bible, the New Testament's Book of Revelation says triple sixes are the mark of the Antichrist. According to the criminal complaint, Tyler Groth said he and his cousin decided to spray paint walls, statues and other parts of Holy Hill because it was "Satan's birthday."

Tyler Groth told investigators that he painted "Hail Satin," a misspelling of Satan, and a devil's face in different places and that he sprayed paint on a statue of Jesus, according to the complaint. Tyler Groth said David Groth painted "I'm glad they killed Jesus" and "Hell Will Rule" in various places on the property, the complaint says.

...

This is disgusting. Absolutely outrageous. It's the kind of behavior that clearly hints at how quickly our society is crumbling and surrendering to ignorance and dysfuntion.

It's one thing to deface a holy shrine, but when you spray paint "Hail Satin" over a crucifix, you are showing a blatant disregard for fabrics. Is satin really worthy of worship? When used in off-the-should gowns or bed sheets, it's distinctly feminine. But, for a young man looking to defame sacred ground, he should consider the more inflammatory and masculine "Hail Linen" or "Hail 300-Count Egyptian Cotton."

Of course, every few years we seem to go through some sort of cloth-related violence and vandalism. The nation struggles to forget the Flannel Riots of the 1960s or the sensational Terry Cloth Murders of the 1980s. Fortunately, authorities were able to head off the Rayon Cult's attempted mass suicide in 1996.

As a society, we must remain vigilant. Only through tolerance and sewing classes can our country hope to halt development on Spandex of Mass Destruction across the globe.

Saturday, June 03, 2006

"This beautiful lounge suite..."

"Che Guevara -- Che...Coventry City last won the FA Cup in what year...?"

In that classic Monty Python sketch, that's a trick question -- and poor Che didn't know the answer. In a beautiful piece of parallel logic, thousands of hippie idiots across in America's big cities wearing Che t-shirts have no idea who he was.

He was a Marxist rebel. Educated as a doctor, he traveled across South and Central America, witnessed the poverty, and (as any good doctor would) decided that only violent, armed insurrection would cure the problem. He remembered his oath..."First, do shoot a lot of people who don't share your views."

I could debate Che's ideals. Actually, no I couldn't. I don't care -- because unfortunately -- like all single-minded extremists on any side of an issue, the idealist went too far and became a monster. He fought the corrupt fat-cats, yes -- but along the way he robbed and killed many of the same common people he claimed to represent.

But, who cares about all this? Not me. Sure as hell. I'm sick of seeing these insufferable swats who couldn't lift, let alone read, a history book wearing $300 t-shirts from Melrose shop-lets with Che's posed face splattered all over it. Next time you see one, ask the wearer who it is. When they roll their eyes and tell your establishment ass about Che, don't let them off the hook. Ask him where he was from...They'll say Mexico. Some might even get closer and say Bolivia -- where he began his violence and thievery. Unfortunately, both are wrong because he was born in Argentina. They'll assume Che was his first name. It was Ernesto. Ask the feeb about what Che was before he donned Castro's cap. Ask them what a communist is...Who Karl Marx was, etc. Then catch your breath and stop. It's pointless.

They won't know. They don't care. They're trendy would-be fashion geeks. So, instead -- the next time you see a young person (or an aging hippie) wearing a Che t-shirt, you can skip the questions and just slap them hard -- across their organic-fed face.

Thursday, June 01, 2006

A little late now...

May 26, 2006 — Today, on his 78th birthday, Jack Kevorkian, the man known as "Dr. Death," is slowly dying in prison.
And, according to his lawyer, Kevorkian seems to have second thoughts about helping people die.

...

So, when its other people, sure -- cap 'em. But, when death is staring your wrinkled ass in the face (talk about a mixed metaphor...), you stumble across a conscience suddenly.

"Umm...Yeah. All you other folks, good on ya. But, I...uh...I'm going to wait, OK?"